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My last words

Somewhere something is calling for you.

Two worlds. One family.

Trust your heart. Let faith decide.

To guide these lives we see.

So this is it. I'm heading 'home' in 2 days. If that word still means what it used to mean. I'm going to write my last entry in english, 'cause I feel like it's the language of my 'heart' right now. (For the lazy asses: I might make an attempt to translate everything later.)
I feel depressed and confused. Way more than I did last year. If it's because I know what it feels like to be forgotten by people that are important to me now, or because I know this time it's going to be for good and not only for one year. Who knows.
I asked people who did the same thing: 'Will the longing for both ever stop?' and they said 'No, but it's going to be less painful.'

It is just rough to already know what you're going to miss out on. The girls are so little, they're not going to remember what I used to mean to them.
I'm losing a family. A weird combination of daughters/little sisters and Mommy&Daddy/ best friends.
Don't get me wrong. I know I can always come back here and I am going to be welcome, but it's like my friendships at home, you can keep them going but only with the certainty 'I'm going to be back and make up for the time we lost'. I can't 'just come over' for a drink or two or a movie or a dinner.
You start this program with the knowledge, it's only going to be one year (two if you can make it). There is no higher purpose and there is only so much support you can give your family until you have to realize there is a path for yourself that you have to figure out.

I don't have a purpose right now. Nothing to come back to but friends and family. Not that that's a bad thing. It's just kind of vague. Nothing to live on. I'm kind of returning for other people's sake, not just because of something I figured out that I have to do. Although I am longing to have you all back. I don't know what's going to happen, but I'm grateful for this year.
I'm grateful for everything I learned about myself. About religion. About politics. About economics. About society. I'm grateful for every single person I got to know this year. That supported me. Hindered me. Changed me. I'm going to return as my old self, but with new features. I don't feel like I had a 180° change, but I developed believes and strengths that were already in me.

I'm going to miss this part of my life like hell, but I am very excited to come back and figure out the path ahead of me. Goodbye, America. See you soon, my beloved Holloway Family.
I'll be right there, Germany. I can't wait to welcome you friends and especially family.

Miss America am 14.9.10 05:01

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